The Apartment Dude asked:


Looking for love? Or worse…looking for love in all the wrong places? I think we all know by now that it’s all about living for fun, and just about everyone agrees that much of the fun in life comes from finding the right person to share it with.

From regular, day-to-day pursuits like grocery shopping, working out, or preparing a meal, to life’s more exciting adventures like traveling, going out, or getting close (and maybe a little adventurous), setting the right mood is imperative to finding love. Then when the time is right, the right ambiance in your apartment can make all the difference.

Let’s say you’ve gone out on a great date, the conversation’s fantastic, and it’s time to make a move. You’re looking to make the action in your apartment a little Carmen Electra and a lot less Electric Company. So what can you do to get that Electra?

I’d like to call myself a bit of an expert on the subject. Some may even go so far as to call me a professional. Okay, I think pretty much everyone might say that it’s a self-proclaimed title, but let’s let bygones be bygones and get down to the nitty gritty.

Since I’m such a sharing guy and want my vast knowledge to help every apartment-ite it can, I’m going let you in on some great steps that’ll help you get your place ship-shape for love. Some of you out there need a lot of help (you know who you are) so make sure to pay attention. Take notes if you want to, but let’s get your apartment ready for love!

Step # 1 For the Love of cheese, Clean Up - No one, and I mean NO ONE other than Grover gets hot and bothered amid a mess. Pick up around the place, clean up the dirty dishes, get that vacuum in gear, and don’t be afraid to actually clean your own toilet for once. Trust me, fellas, ladies don’t want to see [BREAK] the mold around your sink and the ring around the tub either. Soap scum will make you look like a lazy bum. Hire a maid if you have to. Just make sure your place is as dust, dirt, and clutter free as Mama would’ve wanted.

Step # 2 A little night music - When you head for the iPod, think soothing and sexy, not getting’ down and dirty. This one might depend on your personal definition of “soothing,” but Marvin Gaye is always a great choice. A nice acoustic sound like John Mayer or Jack Johnson will always set a great mood too. Plus, other than only turning up the heat, music therapy has proven to provide real health benefits as well as reduce stress. You’ll want to stay away from anything that could potentially bust an ear drum or makes you want to drive fast in the car. Anything you have to scream over to have a conversation won’t get anywhere. And no, the new Snoop album won’t work either. Offensive lyrics do nothing, but kill the mood.

Step # 3 Aromatherapy - There’s a reason the perfume and cologne industries rake in billions. Pleasing scents have been proven to soothe stress and can also foster romance. You can use candles, sprays, or even burn a little incense. But don’t overdo it. You can go from suave to cheesy pretty fast with too much smell good. Keep it subtle. Remember: scent is the number one sense associated with memory. Smell great and you’re bound to leave a lasting impression. Smell bad and you’re bound to leave their nostrils flaring and send them running.

Step # 4 Comfort is the key - If you’re going to spoil yourself with one expensive piece of furniture, make it a couch with plenty of room for getting to know one another. A couple of smooth recliners may look great and be heaven watching games or movies, but won’t help at all in putting a move on your date. In absolutely no situation should you ever find patio furniture or fold-up chairs anywhere else, but on the patio. Moral of this story: Go with that nice comfy couch. That after-dinner drink can turn into much more with the help of a comfy couch that just invites adventure.

The final step…Make it Your Own - Your apartment is your home and it speaks for you before you ever say a word. Remember that when someone walks in, they’ll make judgments about your style, your tastes, and, yes, your sex appeal based on how it looks. Pay attention to the details and you’re on your way to getting more than just a good night’s sleep.

Visit ApartmentHomeLiving.com for more information on apartments and living for fun!


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Muna wa Wanjiru asked:


Carmen Electra was born Tara Patrick on April 20th, 1972 in the small town of White Oak, Ohio. Tara grew up in the town of Cincinnati, Ohio. Tara is of Irish and Native American descent. Her look is exotic but she is a classic beauty. She attended a special school for aspiring actors and performers in Cincinnati, the School for Creative and Performing Arts. Her friends and family knew from early on that this young, small town girl would achieve great accomplishments in the entertainment industry.

Tara Patrick studied dance and theater at the School for the Creative and Performing Arts, as well as music. She did not find many leads for her performing career through the school. She did gain national recognition through a famous photo shoot in the well-known magazine, Playboy. This pictorial made her career skyrocket.

Before appearing in Playboy, Carmen Electra was a musician. She was discovered by Prince while she was auditioning for an all-girl rap band. Carmen did not join the all-girl rap group, but she did sign on with Paisley Park Records. She released her self-titled debut album, Carmen Electra in 1992. Prince worked with her on many projects. She also had an affair with the pop star. Prince was the one who gave Tara Patrick the stage name Carmen Electra, which has stayed with the star to this day.

Carmen’s relationship with Prince was odd. He spent little time with her, often showing up at her home in the middle of the night. Carmen said that she would dress for him and wait for him to come over all night. Often times he didn’t. The relationship gradually fizzled out, leaving Carmen heartbroken. However, her career really took off after the relationship ended.

Carmen Electra’s photographs in Playboy got her career moving in a different direction. Carmen appeared in a Playboy video as a cheerleader and later, she signed on with the acting staff of Baywatch as the character Lani McKensi. She also hosted shows for MTV, replacing Jenny McCarthy on the show Singled Out.

Carmen Electra achieved success in nearly every aspect of entertaining. She aspired to be a dancer, actress and singer and she accomplished all three. Her hosting and acting career faired better than her singing career. She has a new workout video that is innovative and imaginative. She incorporates sexy dancing into a choreographed routine designed to help burn calories.

Carmen also has a substantial movie career. Her movie credits include Good Burger and the hit comedy, Scary Movie. Carmen showed her good sense of humor and her ability to laugh at herself through her role in Scary Movie. The film poked fun at her failed relationship with Prince, which is probably a distant memory for the now famous Carmen Electra. Electra grew up in Cincinnati, Ohio and began performing at an early age when she place.

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Alec Archer asked:


Famous people are sure to know the true value of designer sunglasses. Either to conceal the effects of a late night out or to go unnoticed along the street, a pair of good sunglasses is completely indispensable. We have watched many trends changing, but this one can hardly fade away and a pair of sunglasses will remain as necessary as it is now for sure.

As the summer approaches, people start looking for their own, exclusive sunglasses. As it usually happens, famous people are on the forefront of sunglasses fashion. Sometimes it seems to be the best pastime – to observe the fashion trends followed by celebrities. This time big sunglasses seem to be all the rage for the ladies.

For example, Carmen Electra, one of the most stylish women in entertainment industry, was seen wearing really oversized sunglasses, which made her look extremely glamorous. Maybe, it is impossible to bear her reality television show, but her glasses are irresistible.

Catherine Zeta-Jones may be especially fond of old, conventional actors but her sense for fashion changes is as fresh as a spring flower. She was also noticed wearing extremely fashionable D&G sunglasses with their logo designed into the arms of the glasses. The shades are large, bold, and gorgeous!

One more example of a fashionable woman with a stunning fashion sense is Heidi Klum. She was brave enough to wear a classic pair of Aviator shades, which was absolutely amazing.

Speaking of the girls who like to party we cannot but mention Paris Hilton, who is admired by those who follow the recent fashion trends. I believe that she can hardly be thought about as a great actress or an outstanding singer, but she really presides over the fashion world. She was also spotted having a pair of the new Oakley glasses on, designed exclusively for women.

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David Lakins asked:


If like me you have been badgered all week by your girlfriend or wife to buy a Wii Fit, you will have found out how difficult it can be to try to purchase one. Nintendo has definitely struck gold with this latest fitness gadget as they are simply flying off the UK shelves. It’s a miracle if you can find a store with one in stock.

So what is everyone getting excited about? Well, you may think that Nintendo is aiming this gadget at the junior market but it appears grown-ups are snapping up this new fitness console as an alternative to the gym.

The Wii Fit is a fitness board slightly larger than your average bathroom scales. There are no wires involved as the fitness board connects wirelessly to your Wii console. Once connected to your console, simply step on the board and the game tells you your weight, your body mass index and, after a couple of balance tests, (which is great fun as we don’t always stand as straight as we think) your Wii Fit will tell you your age. So hope nobody’s been telling white lies about their age.

The next step is when the fun really starts. Players then have a choice of games to play, such as cardio, muscle, yoga and balance events. If you can, think of lunges, warrior poses and press ups. Everything is made welcoming as you have an on-screen instructor who helps out at different stages. The game ski jump is quite amusing - bend knees, lift heels a little - imprecise but still amusing enough. Hula hoop is great fun for parties and is easy to play. There is also one called the jogging game which takes place off the board; for this game you have to put your Wiimote in your pocket.

The activities are surprisingly challenging but players will experience a lot of fun whilst doing yoga, balance orientated games, aerobics and muscle stretches. What is so popular about the Wii Fitness board is the fun approach to fitness. My girlfriend and her friends were in hysterics as they watched each other try the various games. And it is this kind of approach to fitness will keep players hooked for years to come.

It is possible to follow your daily progress with easy to understand graphs and charts to follow. By setting up your own personal profile, you can set yourself goals and after time, you can check your body mass index (BMI) to check your results and see how many fit credits you’ve earned. The Wii Fit console allows up to eight family members to create their own profiles. So not only can you manage your own fitness but you can also add a degree of competitiveness to your family life.

Something to think about for all the Wii enthusiasts is that, apparently, the US manufacturer Peekaboo, who already sells a pole dancing kit endorsed by Carmen Electra, have been talking of how to teach millions of gamers how to pole dance. Nothing has been finalised yet but a version could be available for the Wii that could include an extendable pole with a video game to teach gamers how to pole dance.

Perhaps this as yet untitled game is similar to Guitar Hero which lets gamers rock out to their favorite rock and roll bands with a guitar style accessory. Whatever the outcome, I am sure it will be great fun.

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Juliet Cohen asked:


Many people spend a lot of time fixing their makeup and it is right but then neglect the importance of their hair, or vice versa. The face and hair are usually the first two things that people will notice first. For this reason, you want to make sure your makeup and hair, complement each other. As you will see in the makeup and hair tips below, you can achieve the results movie star with ease. We will start with the beautiful Carmen Electra. It has a natural look glamorous although most women would have done anything to have. Carmen is the kind of woman who walks into a room and all notices. Part of this was caused by his luxurious hair, others by her beautiful body, and some because of his face and makeup, she chooses. The beautiful thing about Carmen makeup and hair advice is that they can be obtained by anyone. Best of all, even though it appears as though she spends hours after the time to prepare for a major appearance, Carmen, are considering is in fact very little maintenance. If this look is what you want to immolate, but the goal here is to focus on the lips and eyes.

First, you would start by cleaning the skin, followed by a good moisturizer. Then apply concealer in the corners of your eyes and if you have dark circles under the eyes, too. To create a base of the eye shadow, but you can also apply a small amount of concealer on the cover. Then choose a light, sheer foundation or tinted moisturizer. Now, apply a small amount of powder pressed, choose a shade that matches the color of the foundation. In closing the base, peaches or use a blush pink color, applying only to apples of the cheeks. To our eyes, you will apply a medium brown eye shadow on the lid, followed by a deep chocolate brown in the crease. A mixture of the two colors well, and then add a naked in the shade brow bone to help illuminate the eyes.

Eyeliner black or brown create drama and a small amount of powder on the eyelid brushed finish the look. Finally, Carmen uses a small peach or pink lining, and then a slight difference in brightness. Thereafter, the mixture well in makeup. Then you can apply a concealer under the eyes, adding a little to your eyelids. With a large powder brush, the powder is applied all over the face, including the eyes, which helps set makeup. Now, a puff or sponge is used to apply powder around the eyes, thereby contributing to an eyeliner stay in place longer. For blush, peach or pink tones are used, applying only to apples of the cheek.

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Eileen Fleming asked:


[Palm Bay, Fl. May 12, 2008] Boom Boom Benny informed me, “I am look for a young attractive female to teach the mystery of the trick I stole from a Russian. I have at times wished I’d given it back. In my daredevil stunt driver days and while manager of the world famous Hollywood Death Dodgers Thrill Show out of Chicago, while on tour in Canada, I saw that Russian who changed my life.

“He blew himself up in a chair and I knew immediately that I had discovered my way to make a bigger noise in the thrill field. The very first time I tried it I nearly died. I couldn’t hear a thing for a week, and then all I heard was a doorbell ringing in my head.

“But before all that and fifteen years before anyone even heard of Evil Knievel, I was jumping ramps, making firewalls with go carts, crashing head onto junker cars going sixty miles per hour.

“As a kid I wanted to be a big-time stock car racer but I went into the daredevil business instead. I had a neighbor who shot himself out of canons and another who was an auto stunt man. Being a daredevil is who I am and I have been hospitalized more times than I care to recall.

“I had life insurance until they found out what I did. Lloyds of London made me an offer back in the1970’s but it was more than I could afford. Back then, I carried $300,000 insurance for spectators and $250,000 for the grounds. Today; it’s a whole other world after 9/11. Everything is out of proportion and it keeps getting tougher to make a living.”

Boom Boom Benny, was still known as Benny Koske; Captain Dynamite when the Chicago Daily News reported on November 12, 1974, “A SMALL MAN with the lean build of a dynamite stick comes from Palm Bay, Fl., 30 miles south of Cape Canaveral, where the only big noise is on U.S.1.”

During the race car circuit off season, Benny usually hangs out at JD’s not too far from Roonie’s Tavern in Palm Bay. The walls of both establishments are adorned with photos of Boom Boom Benny with Jay Leno, David Frost, and Mike Douglas, but none of the T-Bone Crash.

“Before I began to blow myself up, I did the most dangerous stunt trick there was; the T-Bone Crash. I’d floor my car, jump a ramp and land T-bone style into a pair of parked autos. Many who tried it, never walked away.

“The first time I tried blowing myself up, I nearly died. The second time I tried it, it took the most nerve. Every blast is different and I have blown myself up thousands of times. Even after the first eight years, I still hadn’t perfected the technique, but I got better fast because I learned a lot more about short sticks of high explosives.

“I began at state fairs, race tracks and I’ve been everywhere and have met many people. I’ve been to Reno, Chicago, Fargo, Minnesota, Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow, Sarasota, Wichita, Tulsa, Ottawa, Oklahoma, and Tampa where I was born. I lived a while in Nebraska, but home is Palm Bay, Florida.

“I was once closing act at the closing show for the Rolling Stones in Buffalo, New York. The last time I did the Jay Leno Show was on 3/3/04 along with Carmen Electra. I’ll never tell what she whispered in my ear…

“While on tour at the Canadian National Expose in Toronto, my agent called me to go pick up another of his clients at the airport. It was Red Skelton. I had heard something about a recent big loss in his life and we talked local stuff on our way to the show. After Red performed he took off in a limo and I stood on the stage. I still remember that little kid, no more than seven who darted out on the field. That kid chased the limo until Red stopped it and rolled down his window. Red stopped to give that kid an autograph…

“In the early years I would blow myself up in coffins I constructed from two by six feet long insulation boards that I would buy by the bundle and carry in my van. I learned that if I placed the charges in a certain manner, the explosions would go over my head and outwards. Most of that time, that is. I have been burned, broken bones, had my chest blown open, but it’s better than any nine to five job I can imagine.

“One day while in Las Vegas, a guy proposed to me that I should blow myself up in a car instead of a box or coffin. I thought that he was crazy but I was also intrigued. After contemplating the suggestion, I decided that it was a stunt I wanted to attempt.

“The very first day that I was going to blow myself up, just as I was getting into the car, someone suggested we should test the trick first. It was a good thing, because it was a heck of an explosion. Somebody was certainly looking out for me that day because if I had gotten into that car, I wouldn’t be talking with you now.”

Benny maintains that it is his calm, systematic approach that has allowed him to perform for so long.

“I get the feeling that I am in the eye of a hurricane; there is stuff going on all around me but I remain calm because I only have 15 seconds to make my escape before my suit can no longer take the heat and my body becomes disoriented from the fumes.”

“If the crowd is too close to the track, they will feel the heat of the explosion because the car goes up in a big ball of fire before I escape. The fire and noise are spectacular. The hood, trunk deck, and doors all go flying off. People love seeing things blow up so, I am confident that I will find a young lady to learn my Russian Mystery Trick.

“She must know about motorcycles and cars, but no biker chicks, and no tattoos allowed. I am looking for a woman like the one in that Miller commercial who walks into a bar after a race and pulls off her helmet. Her hair tumbles out and she is drop dead gorgeous. That’s what I am looking for, someone like that to learn the Russian Mystery Trick of Boom Boom Benny.”

TOUR DATES:

May 24, 2008: THUNDER JAM, Green Bay, Wisconsin

May 30-31, 2008 Bristol, Tenn.

June 7, 2008 Cedar Falls, Iowa

June 24, 2008 Epping, New Hampshire

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Gregg Hall asked:


Carmen Electra entered the world on April 20, 1972, in Sharonville, Ohio, a suburb of Cincinnati. Her name at birth was Tara Leigh Patrick. Her father is of Irish descent, and her mom is part German and part Cherokee. She graduated from Princeton High School in 1990. Interestingly enough, she went to the same high school as Nick Lachey, Jessica Simpson’s ex-husband and former member of the boy band 98 Degrees.
To pursue her dreams of being a singer, she moved to California after graduating. She held various jobs and landed miscellaneous gigs. Her big break occurred when she was discovered by legendary recording artist Prince. Prince is credited with giving Tara Leigh Patrick a new name, Carmen Electra. In 1993 he produced her debut album, Carmen Electra.
A successful singing career didn’t appear to be in the cards for Carmen Electra so she moved on. Her next big break, perhaps the biggest of them all, was her pictorial in the May 1996 issue of Playboy magazine. The spread launched her to success by catching the eyes of important people in the entertainment industry.
MTV hired her in 1997 to replace previous “It” girl and fellow Playboy Playmate, Jenny McCarthy, on the popular dating gameshow Singled Out. She then went to work in a different MTV show, Loveline, which was a sex advice show geared towards teens and college-aged people.
Also in 1997 she landed her next big role which was in one of the most widely watched shows in television history, Baywatch. Once again she was replacing a fellow Playmate. This time she was taking over for the insanely popular Pamela Anderson. Baywatch turned Carmen Electra into an international star.
1997 was a busy year for Electra as it also marked her film debut in the B-movie, An American Vampire Story. She followed it up in same year with a role in Good Burger.
In 1998 Electra again boosted her star power by marrying All Star professional basketball player and notorious badboy Dennis Rodman. The marriage didn’t last long, ending in 1998, but it made her all the more interesting to celebrity watchers everywhere.
In 2003 Electra married Jane’s Addiction guitarist Dave Navarro. MTV once again played an important part in Electra’s life during this period by producing the show Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen and Dave, a reality show documenting the months leading up to and following their wedding. The celebrity machine was in full swing and the papparazzi followed Electra everywhere.
In July of 2006, Electra announced that she was divorcing Navarro an papers were filed in August. Carmen Electra is one of the most popular celebrities in Hollywood today. Not only does she sing, dance, act, and look beautiful, she uses her celebrity to fund several charities.

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Alice asked:


I was struggling with a subject to form my latest rant about, let’s see weapons of mass destruction, gun crime, religion, climate change, the Beckhams…all pretty boring and overdone. Then I thought why not write about what is currently, and 99% of my awake (and most probably my asleep) life on my mind…and that is food. I bet you all thought I was going to say sex then! Well believe it or not even this little self confessed nympho would prefer a curry to a shag the majority of the time!

I love food. I really love it. Nothing makes me happier. My whole life is governed by when my next meal is. I also genuinely believe, other than my father, I can eat more than anyone I have met, and people who know me reading this saying “but she doesn’t eat that much?”, you have seen me stop myself eating. I can always always eat more, even if I feel full up, I can eat more. Now this was all well and good as a skinny little teenager but as my 25th birthday looms round the corner I have to face facts that I have (though it pains me to say it) become woman and things don’t sit like they used to. I am getting lumps and bumps where they never were before and sods law says it is my favourite pass time of eating that is doing this to me. I never have been, never will be and never want to be a size zero. Why anyone would is beyond me and the whole debate about young girls looking at models in magazines and becoming anorexic etc does my crust in. If someone looks at what is essentially a skeleton wrapped in skin and longs to look like it then let the idiot starve to death. You may think this is a bit controversial but it is my opinion and it works on the other side of the scale as well. Take for example the whole McDonalds “super size me” issue. McDonalds is bad for you, everyone knows it is bad for you. Normal people once in a while indulge in a McMeal, enjoy every second of it then feel shit and guilty afterwards. If somebody sees in McDonalds a breakfast menu, a lunch menu, a dinner menu and the possibility of supersizing all of these and thinks “oooh what a great idea, I know I’ll eat super sized McDs three times a day everyday” then please let the dumb fucks do it. Let them get fucking fat and die of heart failure before they have a chance to procreate and create more dumb people. People this is Darwin before our very eyes, survival of the fittest. We need to stop bringing awareness to these fat fucks and “stick your fingers down your throat” princesses and let them do it, die out and the world will be a cleverer and easier place to live in. It is not the adverts that warp the people’s minds, the minds are already warped and these are minds that must be destroyed. I diverge. I am not a size zero. I am a size 10 when I try, a size 12 when I don’t and at one stage of my life a size 14 (but we don’t talk about this time). Even if I wanted to be a size zero I couldn’t because I was born in to a size 10/12 frame and not matter how much weight I lose I won’t get any smaller than this, I’ll just look boney. So it is not my frame that upsets me or is the issue here, it is what is wrapped around it, and this is what determines whether I am a 10 or 12, whether I feel good or not and whether I want to take my clothes off or not. I’m talking about excess flab and it is the bain of my existence. My one true love, food, sits on my hips, belly, thighs, arms etc and ironically makes me miserable. So much so that I can no longer get pleasure out of eating, as I feel guilty doing it.

It seems everybody in the world has their own opinion about weight loss and the best/correct way to do it and I just don’t know who to listen to anymore. Let us start with dieting. There are so many diets now I can’t keep up and each one has its own difficult, dangerous or just plain ridiculous characteristic. I swear I have been told in one way or another that every single food group is actually bad for me. I even worked behind a bar with a guy who once told me lettuce was fattening! Drop carbs, drop protein, fruit only, veg only, no dairy, everything in moderation, special fucking K. I can’t deal with it. Once I think I’ve got it clear in my head what I should be eating to guarantee a bit of weight loss and a healthy lifestyle, somebody else contradicts it. I don’t really ever eat junk food or sweets, chocolate, crisps etc but I now believe potatoes, bread, rice, pasta and anything carb based to be satans produce and being a vegetarian this makes meal time a little limited believe me. Especially as I obviously have to cut out cheese, anything in a jar and anything made by Linda McCartney. (They can try and take hummus from me but they never will, I’m not listening you cunts). So carrots anybody? But not boiled for too long as even they will lose their goodness if you cook them too much, apparently. So we are left with raw veg, otherwise known as a salad. Now hands up who actually, honestly, ever feels satisfied after eating a salad. Admittedly with summer coming in I crave less of the heavy foods (swapping McCoys for quavers – they’re floaty light) and a salad can make the transition from accompanying lasagne and garlic bread to a meal in its own right. But still then there is the dilema, should you be allowed croutons? They are after all fried bread? And don’t even start me on salad dressing! The other day I bought a “virtually fat free” thousand island dressing and feeling very chuffed with myself chucking copious amounts of it over essentially lettuce and cucumber my friend comes out with “yeah but it’ll be full of sugar which turns to fat if you don’t burn it off”. FUCK OFF. SERIOUSLY! Am I not allowed anything anymore???!

So that last comment brings me on to the next subject in the “looking after yourself” world we now life in. Exercise. The word makes me shudder. I hate it. I detest it. I know people that love it, crave it, can’t wait to get down that old gym and pump some iron. The only conclusion I can draw is that they are clinically insane and have convinced themselves they enjoy something just because they have been told it is good for you, much like colonic irrigation or something equally horrific. But I can’t argue with the fact it is good for you (in small doses mind). And after years of avoiding it I have succumbed and got myself a gym membership. I have actually had this since August but have only in the last three months actually made use of it. So I’m now in my 3rd month of gymming three times a week. This may seem like nothing to you but for me this is a huge achievement. To not only be exercising but to keep up a routine for as long as I have is a big deal. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays you will find me sweating my little heart out in my horrendously overpriced (but close to my house which makes up for it) leisure complex. (Just to note I did miss good Friday being massively hungover, but in the spirit of things, I attempted a run down the river which I admit now was probably because I was still drunk and a very bad idea indeed).

So you’d think that me going to the gym and pushing myself to the point that I sweat more than I ever knew I could three times a week would be enough to satisfy people. You think wrong. It seems that, as with food, everybody has your own opinion of what “type” of exercise I should be doing. Weightloss, toning, abs, biceps, triceps, gluteal, aerobic, blah blah bollocks bollocks. You get asked “what do you want to achieve?” I want to look good. Full stop. I want to put on a swim suit and look like Carmen Electra (who is not a size zero before you all start calling me a hypocrite). I want a flat tummy, a tight arse and thighs and I want to be able to wave without the bottom of my arm having a 2 second lag behind the top of my arm. And most importantly I want to get this with as little work as possible. So what do I like doing exercise wise? Nothing really. I guess you can count dancing as exercise and I fucking love dancing, only problem is for every calorie burnt dancing I consume 100 in beer, generally followed by chips cheese and mayo from kebab kid on the way home so I can’t really count dancing as exercise as such. So best start with what I hate least and that would be running and swimmming. I’m actually not too bad at running, which from my personal surveys seems to be what everyone hates most. But now I hear “well yes you are burning fat and calories but its not the most efficient way of doing this and you don’t tone anything doing it” or “you’ll only get large calves”…..and swimming I find very easy and relaxing but then I get “oooh you don’t want to be doing swimming a lot, it works all the wrong muscles and you’ll end up with a funny body shape”. So what should I do? The other day at the gym the little Italian who is usually on reception was actually doing a work out and seeing as we tend to flirt outrageously anyway it was inevitable that he was to become my personal trainer for the day. So he asked the required “what do you want to achieve” (add your own Italian accent in here). I gave the usual, legs, bums, tums response and before long he had me on my back on the floor (keep it clean here guys), holding on to 2 handles lifting my legs up and down without letting them touch the floor. This is fucking difficult and to top it off every time I lifted them up he would literally shove them with all his strength downwards, the whole time screaming “uno, due, tre” etc. Firstly this was traumatic because, as a protest against men and all things to with sex, I have not shaved my legs since I was dumped in the beginning of January this year (that’s 4, yes count them 4 months). Hence this rare physical contact with a male proved highly uncomfortable for me and most likely him as well. But this aside, fuck me, that was so fucking difficult and I’m not joking, I was crippled for the best of a week. If this is what it takes to get a perfect figure then I’ll keep my (slightly too big but in hopefully an endearing kind of way) belly thank you very much.

So after this mass rant I’m left nowhere really. I like food and detest exercising which leaves me the choice of being fat or miserable. Seriously though it does get me down that I will never again just be able to just let myself eat what I want again without that little fucking nagging in my head saying “bikini weather is just round the corner, who is ever going to find you attractive if you do have that extra big portion….”

I notice now I said “who” is going to find me attractive and it makes me wonder why it is I do it? Why do I want the slender figure which will basically require a lifetime of celery and cross training. Is it to attract the opposite sex, or is it for myself. I believe a combination of these. If I look better, and feel healthier, I’ll give off a more confident attractive vibe, thus attract more people, meet somebody, get a ring on my finger and get them dependent on me so no they will never leave me. Then once I have them trapped, start eating more stop exercising get fat and happy! Ha ha Psycho! No I wouldn’t do that, I hope!

But what I can conclude from all this is that you really shouldn’t listen to people. Everyone who has their opinions of what muscles you should be working or what food groups you should drop etc are most likely talking utter bullshit. For example, someone telling me running won’t help me, probably can’t run for more than 5 mins themselves so if they convince themselves running doesn’t help then they don’t need to worry about the fact they can’t do it. Once again, my high opinion of the general public shines through, but there is some truth in that. Who wants their best mate to be thinner than them? That is why when we are eating dominos, chocolate and drinking beer we convince them to do it with us. If I’m getting fat you fucking are as well! It makes us feel better about our vices – smoking and drinking is another classic for that. I pretty much gave up alcohol for the most of January- March and so many friends would try and convince me to drink with them because if I’m drinking it makes it ok for them to.

Well I’m lucky in that my new year dieting was kick started this year by getting horrifically dumped and being so miserable I barely ate for the best of 2 weeks (get those violins out) but I wouldn’t recommend this. In fact I wouldn’t recommend anything. Each to their own I say. Whatever works for you. As for me, I’ll keep you posted but I think aside from working to lose weight and get fit and healthy I’m going to work on falling in love with my curves and bumps. Just look at J-Lo’s arse. She must be doing something right the arrogant rich bitch!

I’m going to leave you with the lyrics of a song from a random punk band an ex put on a mix CD for me. I can’t remember their name but these lyrics sum up my feelings perfectly…..

When I was a young boy, knee high to a pig

I had so much life in me, I’d run and skip and hop and jig

I ate almost anything, Everything I could

Cakes and buns and buns and cakes, my word those days they did taste good

Now I’m two foot taller and the world’s a different place

It seems that the last thing anybody wants to do is stuff their face

Mention “What’s for pudding” and you’ll only get a frown

The things that used to pick me up, they only get me down

Read it in the paper, its becoming quite a bore

I’ve thrown it in the dustbin, cos I’ve heard it all before

Do you take sugar in tea, do you get enough vitamin C

Do you count your calories, are you virtually fat free?

Cut down your cholesterol and keep your fibre high

Watch out for preservatives, read the pack before you buy

Keep and eye on sugar and stop eating all those sweets

Well I begin to wonder if there’s anything there left to eat

I’ve heard it on the tv, gone way beyond a joke,

Dietary pointers from a slim-fat bloke

Do you take sugar in tea, do you get enough vitamin C

Do you count your calories, are you virtually fat free?

I don’t wanna cause a hoo ha ha, but don’t you think its gone a little too far

When you give a man the third degree, just because he has a little bit of sugar in his tea…..

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